December 16th, 2004
|07:33 pm - That never lead me anywhere but here|
I had to take my music final this morning. I couldn't sleep last night at all and I had to get up at 7. Failing cannot even begin to describe how I did on my music final. I made up words. No joking. Just made them up. I was like, this is "datupile." It was sad. But the kid next me was just saying "This is bullshit. This is bullshit" over and over, loud enough for the professor to hear. It really was bullshit. Whatever. I could've done perfectly on the test and I still wouldn't have passed the course. I'm done with the semester now, so I should be celebrating or something, but after yesterday I really don't want to. It doesn't feel all that great now. I'm going home on Sunday. It's going to be hard. I'd rather spend Christmas rocking in the corner.
Current Mood: morose
Current Music: Marilyn Manson Coma White
December 15th, 2004
My mom called earlier to tell me my dog got hit by a car and died. Then she called back an hour later to tell me my grandpa died.
November 3rd, 2004
|07:24 pm - Reasons to stay in America:|
We gave it our best shot. Senator Kerry today said that now we need to come together and heal as a nation. FUCK THAT. There's no fucking way I am going to come together with these homophobic, flag-waving, god-fearing, gun-toting, uneducated, isolationist, ethnocentric REDNECKS. We live in a country that's in a shroud of ignorance. We do not compromise or come together with them. We fight them and everything they stand for. We as a community have to take care of each other and respect each other because apparently our current government has no interest in that. They do not care about gay people, they do not care about sick people, they do not care about black people, they do not care about poor people, they do not care about the rest of the world, they do not care about our environment, and they especially don't care about a woman's right to choose. We may have lost the battle, shit we may have lost the war...but we are not losing our minds. WE ARE RIGHT...THEY ARE WRONG...just because we seem to be the minority doesn't mean we come together with them. We continue to fight….and drink...and try to have a good fucking time. That's my plan anyway, thanx to you all, Fat Mike
PS: The party at my house was great last night. It did turn out to be an all nighter after all. They can fuck up our country, but they can't fuck up my party.
Many of my liberal friends are seriously discussing leaving the country, for Canada or Europe or New Zealand. It is, of course, tempting. How could we not feel a violent disillusionment and disconnect when we discovered this morning that the majority of voters in the country have a worldview we cannot comprehend? That hate and fear and ignorance can run a successful presidential campaign; that people will respond to these things with eager glee?
And if I wasn't tempted before leaving the house, one look at my car with its Kerry/Edwards bumper sticker -- the only car with such a sticker in the lot -- and how overnight it suddenly acquired a political statement consisting of eggs and shaving cream -- the only car in the lot so decorated -- certainly pushed me in that direction.
I imagine the decorators (or their parents) voted on "moral values," as so many Bush supporters did.
But I'm not going to leave, and I made a list of reasons why.
Because this is my country.
Because I'm not letting them have New England autumns, New Mexico sunsets, the Grand Canyon, or Revere Beach.
Because Barack Obama, Ted Kennedy, Barney Frank and a few other stalwarts are isolated enough in a Capitol gone mad without their supporters pulling up and getting out.
Because over a million people voted for Alan Keyes, and that means even in Illinois we can't relax.
Because Massachusetts elected a far-right religious zealot in a gubernatorial race no one bothered to vote in.
Because I do, honestly, want my kids to be American citizens.
Because 200 years ago Americans believed in a separation of church and state, and if there's one thing we seem to be good at, it's regression.
Because we have to speak up even if they're not coming for us personally yet. We're educated and energized and relatively financially secure, and there are a lot of people out there who are none of those things and are at least initially going to suffer far more than we are. We have to speak for them if they can't speak for themselves.
Because this is still my country, and being female and pro-choice and pro-gay rights and an environmentalist and a pacifist and a believer in intelligent leaders and an atheist does not make me un-American or unpatriotic -- and that needs to be screamed from the fucking rooftops.
Because they vandalized my fucking car, and that is their level of discourse.
Because I am not afraid anymore. I am angry.
-- Mary Meiklejohn
Current Mood: thankful
Current Music: the used
I have lost all faith in humanity. I hope it's temporary...let's say, 4 years?
Current Mood: crushed
October 27th, 2004
|07:28 pm - Measure me in metered lines and one decisive stare|
I just had quite a bang-up night. Hmm....where should I start? I guess this morning when another one of my professors got on my back about my downslide. That's always great. I just walked away. I really just didn't want to talk about it at the moment. Or maybe I should start last night, when I got a total of three hours of sleep. In between classes, i have like 50 minutes, so I wanted to take a nap in my car, but some fucker was singing at the top of his lungs (and sucking) right next to my car. Just singing. So I couldn't sleep. Then when I got home, my landlord was outside. Couldn't park in the driveway because he was. So whatever. He mowed the lawn. Talked to me. Pissed me off. I go inside and I really want to take a nap but I get phone calls and stuff, so I can't. And my car's brake shoes are completely shot. And the blinkers don't work. But anyway, so next I have an appointment with the psychiatrist. I've been trying to avoid that one, but they keep bugging me...so I gave in. And I went. And spent two hours and 15 minutes there. That was quite fun. Apparently I'm so crazy now that I need to surrender my driver's license and take the semester off. Seriously, I can't even be trusted to drive? It was quite the battle of wills. She wanted to talk to my parents, I wanted her to not. She wanted me to take the rest of the semester off, I didn't want to. She wanted me to call someone to come get me, I wanted to drive. She wanted me to take even more Risperdal, I didn't want to. And it goes on and on for two hours. And I start figuring out that she's not so much wanting me to leave. So finally at 6:15 I promised to come back on Friday and talk to her and the Dean (so he can force me to take a medical leave, I bet). So whatever. I finally left. Then I came home. To the biggest pile of dog shit ever. Diarrhea. Because he's getting de-wormed. So not only is it poo--it's poo with worms wiggling around in it. And I really wish to convey how much, but you wouldn't believe me. Let's just say that the garbage bag in which I disposed of it was really, really heavy. I rigged up a genius device to keep me from smelling it though, because I have never smelled anything that bad before. I was rather proud. I really can't get all the stains out of the carpet though, and I had to throw away an entire rug because it was just beyond salvation. So next I had to light candles to get rid of the smell. And I burned my finger hella bad. Now I have to start on an eight-page lab report that is due tomorrow morning. Yep. So that equals me up all night. Hooray for today!
Current Mood: sick
Current Music: The Weakerthans
October 25th, 2004
|06:19 pm - This Broken Fence Between Past and Present Tense|
God. That was so not a conversation I wanted to have. But that's one down. Apparently my work in all my classes has just not been "up to par" lately. Jesus Christ. I do not know who decided that I actually give a fuck. Eh. I still haven't talked to my adviser. I really don't know if I'm going to be able to. I'm thinking of taking the cowards way out and just switching advisers. I've dug myself into a pretty deep hole there, and I don't know if I can climb out (Dig dig dig bury bury bury). Life is a lot of WORK, ya know? It sure does take some dedication. I guess I need to go write my lab report. But then again, since I'm fucking up royally anyway...
Current Mood: drained
Current Music: The Weakerthans--Aside
October 24th, 2004
|09:29 pm - In a world so cold, it's sucking out the feeling...|
Fall break is over. It's cold here. Feels like winter. I just got an email from adviser. Here is the gist:
"It seems as both of us know you could be doing better."
And the email my professor sent him:
"not up to her standards. She can do better"
So now they both want to see me to discuss how shitty I'm doing. Lovely. Especially after I pretended not to know who my adviser was when he tried to talk to me a couple weeks ago. So now I have to deal with all that shit. I didn't even think my midterm was THAT bad. I know it wasn't good. But it wasn't like have-a-talk-with-me bad. I would so drop the class if I could. But then I wouldn't be taking enough credits to stay enrolled as a full-time student, so that's not an option. Wish I knew what I should feel...
Current Mood: numb
Current Music: Ruby Horse "Live Through This"
October 20th, 2004
|05:56 pm - talking to the walls...just me again|
i just picked up dog poo to take to the vet tomorrow. it's been one of those days. i have a random pain in the back of my head and a lump like i got a baseball bat to the skull, but i didn't. or at least i don't think i did. i'm all out of wellbutrin and i don't really have the money to get more. i have some sort of persistent cold. the house is a mess. i haven't received my ballot yet. i have a fever. i'm confused about everyone in my life. all the lines are blurry, and i'm not sure where i stand. i don't know if i'll be able to come home before christmas, which means five months without seeing my family or dogs or friends. i'm so fucking behind in all my classes. i don't think i'll ever catch up. my computer is a piece of shit. i'm so tired that i can barely see straight, but i can't seem to sleep. at least i'm having fun feeling sorry for myself.
Current Mood: confused
Current Music: "Will I Ever Make It Home" Ingram Hill
September 5th, 2004
|03:22 pm - .north is calling.|
I'm getting restless. I need to do, to make, to feel...something.
Every day that passes I realize a little more just how fucked-up I am. I think maybe I should've paid attention in therapy instead of fooling around with my ther-rapist. Hmm. Yeah. That probably wasn't a good idea. I blame MTV.
I wish Park was up here with me so we could have yet another stupid adventure, probably involving drugs and the office supply department of the grocery store.
August 29th, 2004
|07:14 pm - Two bongs, beer cans, and a yellow flipper.|
Hooray for wireless internet!
I am starting school tomorrow. I don't want to. I hate to work. I like not working. It is nice. However, I know that I can't just dick around doing nothing for the rest of my life, so I'm putting my nose to the grindstone.
Portland is so hot right now. It got up to 99 last week and that fucking sucks because we have no air conditioning. We went to Cannon Beach one day but after an hour clouds rolled in and it got really cold and by the time we got home it was all hot and gross again.
It is so weird being totally cut off here. I'm so clueless about what's happening in Salt Lake. I miss all the little things like hearing a witty comment Parker made to someone at a party or whatnot. It feels like it has been so long since I've seen anyone and it hasn't even been a month yet, and I probably won't see anyone until the end of October at the very soonest.
Hmm....what else? Oh, the insurance company won't pay for my antidepressant because the dose is too high and could be lethal (if I wasn't taking a mood stabilizer that conveniently doubles as anti-seizure medication.) So basically I have 15 days worth of medication (because they'll only pay for half of the dose I'm taking) and then I run out. That is going to be fun. Because I am so stable right now anyway...
Penis. Time to take darling puppy to play. Fun.
Current Mood: crappy
Current Music: All-American Rejects